Sunday, January 20, 2008

Guys Night Out

Last night, hubby had a "guy's night out". It was long overdue - I think the last time he really went out and cut it up was the week before Cora was born. Once a month I have a "mom's night out" with a group of friends who all have little ones. Its our way of getting out and swapping our latest mommy stories (good and bad). So, if all of the above is true, why was I so pissy that hubby went out last night? It makes no rational sense. A) the poor guy was overdue for some guy time, B) I *told* him he should go and get out with his pals, and C) when his friends suggested the strip club, hubby decided it was time for him to come home. Granted that still put him in the front door around 1:00am, but is that really so bad? I mean, he did wait until I was putting Coco down for the night before he left to begin his adventure. True, she had a tough time going to bed last night the likes of which we haven't seen in a while, but by 8:00 all was well and I should have been enjoying a quiet night all to myself. So why wasn't I?

I have no real answer for my question. First, let me say, I realize the pissiness is irrational and so never took it out on hubby (if he reads this it will likely be the first inkling he had about my feelings). The best thing I can come up with is that I am jealous that he *can* go out and party like he did. Ever since Cora came along I just can't. I know I mentioned I have "mom's night" once a month - but that usually consists of a nice dinner out with the group which puts us all home by about 9:00 if not earlier. There is no drinking (short of a glass of wine or a beer), there is no bar hopping, there is no carousing. But that is not hubby's fault or choice - it is mine. And I think that's just the issue. I don't *want* to be out until 1:00am. I want to be at home, with my family, and be there in case Coco wakes up with a tummy pain, or a bad dream. Plus, I know that the next day being hungover will not make for a pleasant day with the baby. And I think, deep down, as irrational as I know it is, I want hubby to want that too. There is a part of me that wishes he didn't still want to go out and whoop it up with the boys - that he didn't feel a need to go to the bars. But if I'm very honest, I have to think to myself that perhaps, if I would let myself let go and let hubby parent Cora as my equal, that I would feel more comfortable heading out and cutting a rug. But then I remember that no one can sing her favorite lullaby like I can - and I remember the time that hubby forgot to feed her for about 5 hours - and I settle back into my self-imposed 9:00pm curfew with quiet resignation (and perhaps a little self-righteousness).

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