Day 1

Day One of the Master Cleanse (or Lemonade Diet). I'll be updating this throughout the day... here goes:

WARNING: Since many people have asked that I be very specific about my experience, and due to the nature of what a cleanse *is*, there is some graphic content to follow. If you are squeamish or uninterested, best stop now.

8:30pm (1/11): Drank 8oz cup of "Smooth Move" laxative tea

3:00am: Woke up with some mild abdominal discomfort but not enough to worry with - went back to sleep

6:00am: Woke up to get Cora up for the day while Daddy slept in a little. By 6:30 had to go get Daddy up since Mommy had been in the bathroom twice already. Wow there was a lot of stuff to get "out". Can there be more?

6:45am: Did the "saltwater flush" which consists of one quart (for us Americans that is 32 ozs) of water mixed with 2 tsp of salt. The book says for many people this is the worst part of the cleanse. I used warm water and so was ok (not great but ok) til about 12oz left - then it got icky. By 4 oz to go I felt sick to my stomach. Got it all down though. The book says in about one hour I will need to be "near a restroom" for an hour to an hour and a half. I'm also supposed to do this each morning. No way will that work at the office so we'll see.

7:30am: No "bathroom issues" yet from the saltwater - just waiting. Squeezed my 8oz of lemon juice using my new Black & Decker juicer. That thing rocks. I got 8oz out of three measly lemons. Wow. As I cut the first lemon and delighted in its citrus smell I couldn't help but wonder if 10 days from now the smell of lemons will make me sick. Can't make my first glass of "lemonade" yet - I couldn't find the maple syrup around here so my mom is picking it up at her nearby health food store on the way over here around 10:00 this morning. Will just have to wait til then.

8:00am: Well they weren't kidding - right on schedule the saltwater flush kicks in. Apparently when they mean "near" a restroom, they mean "in" a restroom at all times. One second I was sitting at my computer and the next second (no exaggeration) I was run-waddling like an overgrown penguin for the restroom. There was NO warning. Lets just say I came really, really, really close to not making it in time. Like Olestra anal leakage close. I was in the bathroom for a good 10 minutes the first time. Each time I thought I may be "done" there was another round that came right after. Its tough to tell since it is mostly water passing through your colon and so there is no feeling of pressure to warn you. I had friends once that got sick in Mexico and she described it as "pissing out my a--". I now understand this statement. Round two was only a minute or two in the bathroom. According to the book, by 9:30 I should be ok to start my day.

12:30pm: Ok well I'm on my 3rd glass of "lemonade". I use that term loosely. Its not great. Its not that bad really but when its the only thing you get to consume, you want it to be reallllly good. It's not. This morning I made the mistake of trying it without the syrup since I was hungry and Mom hadn't gotten here yet. Bad idea. Water+lemon juice+cayenne pepper is not tasty. I choked it down but man. The syrup makes it palatable. Went shopping at around 10:30 with mom (and the "eliminations" were just stopping at that point) and Coco bean. It was good to take my mind off things, but on our way back I noticed it was noon and realized how very hungry I was. I'm also tired and not sure if that is the hunger/cleanse or something else. No headache or anything but plenty hungry. I keep catching myself thinking things like "oh I bet its lunchtime" or "I need a snack - what should I have". I cannot tell you how badly I want a Whopper with Cheese and some onion rings from the BK Lounge. On top of that both my parents are here with hubby and I and they are all going to get "some lunch" and bring it back. I'm not even asking what they are getting. They say day 2 or 3 is the hardest. Holy crap. Half of day one is hard enough. Did I mention I'm hungry?

2:10pm: Still hungry but for now I just keeep drinking lemonade when hungry. My family however is EVIL. Remember me saying I was hungry. Remember saying I wanted BK? Guess what they brought home to eat. I had to leave the room. Hubby felt bad and said he wouldn't have brought anything at all but the folks were hungry and wanted BK. He ate his realllly fast and then threw the stuff away. My dad on the other hand ate leisurely and left his fry container on the kitchen table when he was all done. I've been reading other Master Cleanser blogs and some are scary, some are funny, none are as motivational as I had hoped. That is where my sister came in - since all this misery is her doing she said I could call in moments of weakness. I called. She said today is by far the hardest since I carbo loaded yesterday (although I DID have edamame for dinner). She said it will get better and by day 3 I will be feeling a-0k. She and her sig oth told me that if I made it all 10 days they would EACH get me a $20 Sephora gift card. Now that is motivation.

4:30pm: Wow ok I am really hungry. The book says you can know if you are truly hungry and not just having detox cravings if you want a carrot instead of a hamburger or fries. I want a carrot. I want anything. I am hungry. Hungry, hungry. Stomach eating itself, headache, low blood sugar, cant even nap because my body wants food hungry. I laid down on the couch and drifted in and out of sleep for about 30 mins and woke up famished. I just made some more lemonade so we'll see if that helps, but just getting the lemon juice out of the fridge and seeing everything in there is torture. I'm down to eliminating either neon yellow water or what I like to call "poop flakes" - there is nothing else left in there. Coming very close to quitting but I know I can't - I have to stick with it. I can't quit after less than one day. But I am overwhelmed with the feeling that humans are made to EAT!

7:50pm: Major suckage - hubby is really really sick. Puky sick. And hubby never pukes (see Vomitous Maximus post). In fact, until last year hubby would boast that he had been "puke free since 93." Late last year he got food poisoning which broke his streak. The problem now is that sick hubby and wife on fasting cleanse is not good. First of all, I have been having to make him food - ok so only soup, but right now soup smells and looks like the food of the gods. Second, I was counting on hubby to get up with Coco tonite. I'm afraid that if I wake up in the night, I will be so hungry I won't be able to get back to sleep. Third, I need hubby to help with Coco in the mornings when I do my "flush" since I can't care for her and run to the bathroom every 5 minutes. Finally, if he has a stomach bug and I catch it there is no way I can stay on this thing - I have nothing to puke and can't imagine the lemonade coming back up since its already so bleh on the way down. We'll just take this as it comes and see what happens. I don't want to quit (as much as I think about it) because I really want this to work, but if hubby stays sick I may have to. Wait and see...

10:05pm: Day one down and not one thing passed my lips other than my lemonade mix (and toothpaste). I would never have thought I could make it through an entire day without eating anything. Other than hunger, I don't have any of the ickiness that others have reported (no muscle aches, no "hot eliminations", no swollen lymph nodes, no sore throat) but we'll just wait and see. I did notice that I haven't pooed at all since the "forced poo" this morning from the tea and flush other than one tiny time and when I did it was neon yellow bile. The book says this won't happen until my system is flushed out around day 8. (?) I don't know what that means for me. I couldn't do the lax tea tonight... I just can't stand the thought of waking up with tummy cramps especially now that I have nothing in my tummy. I'll do the flush tomorrow morning again though. Well that's all I know. Trust me, remaining posts will be MUCH shorter and MUCH less detailed. Just needed something on day one to keep me honest! :)

Tonight’s The Night….

“Tonight’s the night we’ll make history, honey you and I…” So says Styx (don’t act like you don’t know). And this is what I’m telling my body. Tonight will be the start of my “Master Cleanse” body detox (aka Lemonade Diet). And I am trying to get my body geared up for making history – aka sticking to a diet I start. I’m pumped. Lets do this.

Of course because I am a responsible dieter and don’t want to throw my body into shock, I cut out caffeine already from my diet. I have not had one iota of caffeine since Sunday. I had the headache to prove it all day Monday. I feel so chic – I have now gone through drug withdrawal. I am soooo celeb.

Of course, this being my last day of freedom I had to indulge in some sensible splurges. For instance I hit Starbucks this morning but instead of my “tall, half-caf, nonfat, no whip mocha” that takes me longer to order than to drink, I got very sensible and caffeine free wild sweet-orange tea with NO sweetener. I am soooo good. (pat, pat, pat) For breakfast I got the Starbucks low fat banana chocolate-chip coffee cake. Since it says “low fat” I am sure that means it’s healthy and good for me. Normally I would not think banana-flavored cake with chocolate pieces in it was healthy, but Starbucks promised. They said. Starbucks would not lie to me. So down it went.

Then came lunch. There is a pretzel stand here downtown that is just a little independent guy doing his thing. And man he does it well. I am addicted. I had to have one before I went off into the diet darkness. But they have whole-wheat pretzels so therefore, once again – hello – good for me! Ok so they have so much butter on them they are shiny and I get them with cheddar cheese dipping sauce (or probably “cheddar-flavored” sauce) but still whole wheat = healthy goodness. So I truck my little butt off to the stand (plus I have to walk like half a mile to get there so that totally counteracts the calories and fat - its not like I'm having then delivered to my desk at the office... hey you think they do that??).

I got to my mecca and began to order. The plan was one whole wheat pretzel (as big as my head) with cheese. Oh crap - they were out of whole wheat. Oh man Oh man… well I already came all that way… so I got regular. And that walk made me really hungry. And it is my last day before fasting. So I got two. Each with cheese. And then I saw the pretzel bites. Little bite sized pieces of soft pretzel heaven. I would need an afternoon snack. So I got those too. A large order. With cheese.

At that point even I could no longer pretend I wasn’t a gluttonous freak so I did the only reasonable thing. I began to act like I was ordering for a group of people. I even went so far as to say “hmm they didn’t say which size pretzel bites they want so I’ll just take the large to be safe”. I am lying to a pretzel stand operator. Wow. The need for this diet becomes immensely clear at that point. I walk back to work feeling like a white collar crack-head hiding my contraband. Sooo tonight it looks like a dinner of plain steamed edamame is the way to go.

Oh who the hell am I kidding? Bring on the mac and cheese.

Bad Press

All celebrities get put in their place at some point. Either harsh movie/music reviews by critics, nasty mudslinging during divorces, tabloid scandals with full color photos, or in some cases (ahem-Britney-ahem) the legal system. It’s just one of the many costs of fame. Seeing as how, since starting this blog, I have been living the life (albeit in my head) of a celebrity writer, well-lauded for my witty and insightful writing, it was only a matter of time before the vultures preyed upon me. That time came last night.

Sitting at my computer, thinking diligently about blog topics, I off-handedly mentioned to my husband that I had gotten an email from a friend who had enjoyed my Vacation blog and said it really made her smile. Something in the way he said “Oh that’s good” tipped me off. I then asked – “Honey, have you *read* my Vacation blog entry?” Dead silence. Hubby says, “Well I’ve been really busy at work and just haven’t had time in a few days.” My response: “How many days?” -- “Like 6.” That is like the half-life of my entire blog. Ouch. My own husband… my helpmate in life… my supposed most ardent supporter… is not reading my blog. And to add insult to injury its my “very busy at work” husband who sends me links to new cars and You Tube videos multiple times each day. Busy. Yeah.

Needing to feel bolstered, I called my mother – my biggest fan, my best cheerleader - and inquired if she was reading my blog. “Oh I’ve read it, yes I really enjoy it.” Uh huh. “When did you read it last, mom?” Response: “I think I’ve read up through January 4^th”. Mortal wound #2… blood loss is too great … wounds are fatal… Ack.

So, I can’t even get my two most devoted family members to read my blog. What hope do I have of entertaining the masses? *sigh* But, as with any big celeb, I must simply brush it off, pick myself up, go on a shopping spree or bender, and have my press people put out a statement relaying that I am in no way deterred by these recent developments and that I will come back stronger than ever in the face of adversity.

And all 3 of my fans will cheer.

That's Heavy Man

I knew everything about my pregnancy and delivery before I actually got pregnant. I knew I was not going to gain more than 25 pounds (I gained 60), I was not going to be in labor long at all (13.5 hours), I was going to use hypnobirthing and have a peaceful calm birth with no drugs (epidural), and I was going to shock the medical staff with how in control I was of my “discomfort” (I yelled at the nurse twice and spent the last 15 minutes reciting the Lord’s Prayer for strength).

The only residual ickyness left over is the weight. I don’t know what it is about those last 8 pounds but they will not budge. Ok so I suppose the fact that I would rather have a root canal than work out may have something to do with it but still. On top of that I was at my heaviest ever when I got pregnant, so really, lets add about another 10 pounds to those 8. The hard part for me, is that all my life, until just a few years ago, I was a skinny minny with absolutely no effort on my part. In high school and college rumors would always go around that I was anorexic or bulimic (neither of which was true). I remember thinking if I ever broke 120lbs I would just euthanize myself (I am 5’ 9”). Yeahhhh. I shoulda been put down many pounds ago.

To add insult to injury this week already I have gotten Neiman Marcus’ swimsuit showcase and the Victoria’s Secret swimsuit catalog. I don’t look like that. I don’t look close to that. I would not like me in a swimsuit right now. Something has gotta give. So, I am finally taking my holistic nazi sister’s (shhhhh don’t tell her I said that) advice. This weekend I am starting what some call the Lemonade Diet, or what is actually called the Master Cleanse (the creator is very insistent that this is NOT a diet, but a body detox).

Here’s how it works. You drink homemade lemonade. That’s it. That's all you get. Nothing else. Not even gum. For 10 days. Oh wait – except the saltwater you drink in the mornings and the laxative tea you have at night before bed. Yikes. Ok so I’m over simplifying a tad (read the book if you really wanna know) and there is a whole cadre of info on why that does good cleansing stuff for your body, but what I really care about is that it is not unusual to lose 15 pounds in those 10 days. Yay. Sign me up. I am hoping against hope that I can make it – that I can put up with being a major crab apple (or that my hubby can put up with it) and a caffeine-deprived, food-deprived zombie for 10 days to get to the grand outcome.

Look for more blogs to come on my beginning and my progress starting this weekend. I hereby disclaim any hypoglycemic rants contained therein.

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

Last night hubby and I started talking about future vacations. Now that we have the kidlet, we have to be a little more selective about where we go and what we do. At first it seemed that every place we wanted to go was "not a good idea." For instance, my dream has always been to see Paris. But transatlantic with a baby is not something I want to undertake. That puts most of my other "want to see's" off limits as well: Italy, Prague, Morocco, Japan.... Hubby and I also want to go back to the resort where we spent our honeymoon (the Royal Plantation in Jamaica) but it is adult-only so that is out. We considered looking into a "Beaches" family resort nearby but then the overprotective parent gene kicked in and we decided that on the off chance Cora would get sick we weren't as fond of the Jamaican health care system as we could be. So, with sticking to the US in mind, we thought about a ski trip to Colorado... but it would be a little difficult to teach a kid who isn't walking yet to balance on two strips of wood while going 35mph.

After a lot of discussion we finally decided that perhaps the Keys or South Padre would be the best bet for this year's outing. Both places are lovely, but it did seem a little less exciting than our prior hopes. People tell you when you get married to travel as much as possible before having kids. I suppose this is why.

But then, when I take a minute, I stop thinking so much about what *I* want to do, what *I* will be missing, what *I* would enjoy, and start to think about Cora's view of her first vacation. Her first plane ride, her first view of the ocean, the first time she feels sand between her toes. So while Paris is still in my heart and the back of my mind, I find instead that I am suddenly looking forward to chubby little legs sticking out of the worlds cutest swimming suit, sandy little hands grabbing for my hair, ocean breezes ruffling baby-fine hair, and grilled cheese sandwiches at an oceanside cafe - and suddenly it seems like the world's perfect vacation. Paris can wait.

Its All Cosmetic

I am a makeup whore. There, I said it (isn't that like a first step toward healing or something?). I have had fleeting relationships with more cosmetics companies than I can count. I read somewhere the average American woman has seven lipsticks. All of the women in Montana must have none because I skew that average so far the other way I can't even begin to fathom. I have more than seven lipsticks just in my purse. I have not just one, but two drawer-fuls of makeup; not to mention the fact that my bathroom counter looks like a department store display. I actually feel bad for the poor cleaning lady who comes once a month. Moving each of those little pots and jars probably takes her an hour in and of itself. Maybe I should dig out my old "Caboodle" (remember those girls?) and organize.

And I am loyal to no one. I have Loreal mascara, Chanel lip liner, Benefit cheek tint, NARS lip stain, Lorac glosses, Bare Minerals foundation, Mary Kay shadow, MAC cream eye color, Bourjois concealer, and the list goes on and on and on and on.... and on. At least I am not discriminatory. I will slum it with Cover Girl at the same exact time I'm slathering on Chanel. In my mind its the equivalent of pairing that Chloe blouse you spent a months' salary on with your Target pumps. If it all looks good together, who's to question?!

If makeup is my prostitution, then Sephora is my pimp. Luckily for my husband, for the longest time my pimp lived out of state. I would just send him his cut about once every other month or so. Unfortunately my pimp moved into town about 8 months ago. Bad news. Just like every other abusive relationship, I know I should stay far, far away but the pull is too strong. I always end up going back for more. In fact, this Christmas my in-laws gave me a very generous cash gift. Being a young couple with a new-ish house there are plenty of things I could have, *should* have spent the money on. Unfortunately, because I am weak, it all went to my pimp. Every last dime. I may end up on skid row, but at least I'll look good there!