Friday, January 11, 2008

Tonight’s The Night….

“Tonight’s the night we’ll make history, honey you and I…” So says Styx (don’t act like you don’t know). And this is what I’m telling my body. Tonight will be the start of my “Master Cleanse” body detox (aka Lemonade Diet). And I am trying to get my body geared up for making history – aka sticking to a diet I start. I’m pumped. Lets do this.

Of course because I am a responsible dieter and don’t want to throw my body into shock, I cut out caffeine already from my diet. I have not had one iota of caffeine since Sunday. I had the headache to prove it all day Monday. I feel so chic – I have now gone through drug withdrawal. I am soooo celeb.

Of course, this being my last day of freedom I had to indulge in some sensible splurges. For instance I hit Starbucks this morning but instead of my “tall, half-caf, nonfat, no whip mocha” that takes me longer to order than to drink, I got very sensible and caffeine free wild sweet-orange tea with NO sweetener. I am soooo good. (pat, pat, pat) For breakfast I got the Starbucks low fat banana chocolate-chip coffee cake. Since it says “low fat” I am sure that means it’s healthy and good for me. Normally I would not think banana-flavored cake with chocolate pieces in it was healthy, but Starbucks promised. They said. Starbucks would not lie to me. So down it went.

Then came lunch. There is a pretzel stand here downtown that is just a little independent guy doing his thing. And man he does it well. I am addicted. I had to have one before I went off into the diet darkness. But they have whole-wheat pretzels so therefore, once again – hello – good for me! Ok so they have so much butter on them they are shiny and I get them with cheddar cheese dipping sauce (or probably “cheddar-flavored” sauce) but still whole wheat = healthy goodness. So I truck my little butt off to the stand (plus I have to walk like half a mile to get there so that totally counteracts the calories and fat - its not like I'm having then delivered to my desk at the office... hey you think they do that??).

I got to my mecca and began to order. The plan was one whole wheat pretzel (as big as my head) with cheese. Oh crap - they were out of whole wheat. Oh man Oh man… well I already came all that way… so I got regular. And that walk made me really hungry. And it is my last day before fasting. So I got two. Each with cheese. And then I saw the pretzel bites. Little bite sized pieces of soft pretzel heaven. I would need an afternoon snack. So I got those too. A large order. With cheese.

At that point even I could no longer pretend I wasn’t a gluttonous freak so I did the only reasonable thing. I began to act like I was ordering for a group of people. I even went so far as to say “hmm they didn’t say which size pretzel bites they want so I’ll just take the large to be safe”. I am lying to a pretzel stand operator. Wow. The need for this diet becomes immensely clear at that point. I walk back to work feeling like a white collar crack-head hiding my contraband. Sooo tonight it looks like a dinner of plain steamed edamame is the way to go.

Oh who the hell am I kidding? Bring on the mac and cheese.


Holz said...

Wow..I never knew that ordering a stinking pretzel required so much justification. I applaud you lemonade dieter. In honor of your body cleanse...I vow to work out each day that you successfully adhere to your plan. (no, that does not mean I'm doing 12oz curls of the barley diet...not a bad idea though) Any chance we can get photos of your daily progress? I'm sure you can find someone to post the images on the web. :P

FlippyHolz said...

Ahhhh hell to the no on the photo deal. I did however take my measurements last night and IF I successful at the end of this thing I will post them for the curious.