Wednesday, January 9, 2008

That's Heavy Man

I knew everything about my pregnancy and delivery before I actually got pregnant. I knew I was not going to gain more than 25 pounds (I gained 60), I was not going to be in labor long at all (13.5 hours), I was going to use hypnobirthing and have a peaceful calm birth with no drugs (epidural), and I was going to shock the medical staff with how in control I was of my “discomfort” (I yelled at the nurse twice and spent the last 15 minutes reciting the Lord’s Prayer for strength).

The only residual ickyness left over is the weight. I don’t know what it is about those last 8 pounds but they will not budge. Ok so I suppose the fact that I would rather have a root canal than work out may have something to do with it but still. On top of that I was at my heaviest ever when I got pregnant, so really, lets add about another 10 pounds to those 8. The hard part for me, is that all my life, until just a few years ago, I was a skinny minny with absolutely no effort on my part. In high school and college rumors would always go around that I was anorexic or bulimic (neither of which was true). I remember thinking if I ever broke 120lbs I would just euthanize myself (I am 5’ 9”). Yeahhhh. I shoulda been put down many pounds ago.

To add insult to injury this week already I have gotten Neiman Marcus’ swimsuit showcase and the Victoria’s Secret swimsuit catalog. I don’t look like that. I don’t look close to that. I would not like me in a swimsuit right now. Something has gotta give. So, I am finally taking my holistic nazi sister’s (shhhhh don’t tell her I said that) advice. This weekend I am starting what some call the Lemonade Diet, or what is actually called the Master Cleanse (the creator is very insistent that this is NOT a diet, but a body detox).

Here’s how it works. You drink homemade lemonade. That’s it. That's all you get. Nothing else. Not even gum. For 10 days. Oh wait – except the saltwater you drink in the mornings and the laxative tea you have at night before bed. Yikes. Ok so I’m over simplifying a tad (read the book if you really wanna know) and there is a whole cadre of info on why that does good cleansing stuff for your body, but what I really care about is that it is not unusual to lose 15 pounds in those 10 days. Yay. Sign me up. I am hoping against hope that I can make it – that I can put up with being a major crab apple (or that my hubby can put up with it) and a caffeine-deprived, food-deprived zombie for 10 days to get to the grand outcome.

Look for more blogs to come on my beginning and my progress starting this weekend. I hereby disclaim any hypoglycemic rants contained therein.


Holz said...

I don't now what you're talking about...child birth was a piece of cake. (as long as I left the room when the very tiny epidural needle was in the general vicinity. thank the lord I'm a guy). For the record...I applaud you for attempting this crazy 'lemonade diet', but I think there are many HEALTHIER ways to cleanse and loose weight. (not that you have much weight to shed)

Copper Dog said...

You did read the part about where you'll gain 1/2 of the weight you lose back after you're done, right? If only your crazy sister could get you to see the light of the yeast diet. That one sticks!

FlippyHolz said...

Don't burst my bubble loserhead. And no habla yeast diet. Don't remember that one. We'll talk about that one later. Like 2 weeks from now.