Monday, February 18, 2008

24 Hours

Its amazing what can happen in less than 24 hours. Take the last 24 for instance. One day was rife with stress (over silly things) and terror (over not so silly things) and the next was one of the most uplifting moments of my life.

Sunday was not a great day. I had a horrible dream right before waking up for the day. The kind that sets your whole day off kilter. You know its a dream but you can't shake it. I dreamt that Ryan left me. I can vividly remember every detail of the dream. I remember trying to call his cell phone and getting a recording that my number was blocked. I remember trying to call him from my parent's house (I can remember where I was standing and what phone I used) and having him either refuse to answer or hang up before I could say anything. Finally my parents got a call from the police that harassing phone calls had been reported as having been made at that number. When I finally got through and got our voicemail his recording was horribly short and to the point. He was gone. I remember being hysterical, sobbing and shaking. I have never been so happy to wake from a dream in my life since the time, as a very little girl, I dreamt that my mother had died.

By lunchtime I had shaken most of my grey cloud away and was feeding Coco at the table. At the end of lunch she always gets a handful of little disolvable 'poofs' on her tray to feed to herself. That day I decided to switch it up and put out the small pieces of canned diced peaches I bought. I still remember - as if in slow motion - telling Ryan "I think she's put two pieces in her mouth" right at the same time she started to gag. Within a millesecond the gagging turned into silent little convulsions with her tounge thrusting in and out. I yelled "Oh my God Ryan she's choking" and bolted up from my chair so fast I knocked it backwards onto the floor and into the dog's water dish. As I pulled her tray off, Ryan grabbed her, turned her upside down and smacked her on the back (I know - exactly what you're not supposed to do but its instinct). She spit out the offending fruit and he tipped her up again. It all took about 10 seconds tops but it felt like hours. Its amazing how fast your mind works in situations like these. I remember my first thought was "Its a blizzard outside, the ambulance isn't going to make it in time and she is going to die." My second, and bizzare thought was "my mom is going to kill me if she dies." Weird. Luckily hubby knew just what to do - he immediately started talking to Cora in a normal voice saying "Wow that was icky huh? I think we'll just stick to poofs next time" in order to keep her calm. I on the other hand had to walk over to the kitchen sink and cry my eyes out while cleaning her tray so she wouldn't see mommy upset. I knew the day would come. I knew we'd have a choking scare, or a bad fall, or a big cut. I knew it mentally, but not emotionally.

Fast forward to this morning - Coco has a cold (shocker) and when she gets a cold she gets constipated since she doesn't eat (drink) a lot. Knowing that we keep Milk of Magnesia on hand for these occasions. She had some first thing this morning and then hopped in her jumparoo after breakfast. The jumparoo always seems to help things "move through" even if its not pleasant. Meanwhile I was upstairs getting ready - fresh out of the shower. I heard Coco start to cry, and then the cry turned into a wail. Hubby went and picked her up out of her jumparoo but that did no good. She was working herself up to a full-on scream. I hollared down the stars "Honey I think she's working on a bad poopy. Do you want to bring her up here and I'll see if I can help her?" I'm not sure he heard me over the wailing and I didn't want to undermine his "daddyness" so I waited a second and made myself go back to applying eyeliner. That was when I heard it - from downstairs, through sobs, and for the first time ever I heard "Mmmmaaaaa maaaaaa. Ma Ma." I could not have run faster if I was being hunted. I dropped my eyeliner in the sink, pulled my robe off the hook and was flailing it around myself as I took off down the stairs. Even hubby was calling "honey, I think she's calling for you!" I rounded the corner and those little wet eyes met mine. She reached out for me from her Daddy's arms. I ran and took her in my arms and told her it would be alright - that mama would fix it. We went upstairs with her silently clinging to my neck. It was one of the most wonderful feelings I've ever had. My hair could have ended up flat, my makeup could have looked horrid - it would have mattered not at all today. it would have taken a lot to bring me off my high.

So, I suppose if you believe in the karmic yin and yang, I put in my dues a-plenty on Sunday in order to pay for my moment of awe today. I never want to have to go through another scare like that with Cora... but I know I will. I know that's part of being a mother and part of having a child. Life and growing up is scary. I just pray that after each horrible scare, there will be a happy ending - a moment of awe, a moment of pure love, a little girl who wants her mommy to take her in her arms and make it better - no matter if she's not that little anymore. That's all that matters.

1 comment:

Nett said...

I just read an article this morning regarding the crazy dreams new mom's can have-I'm going to stay away from the peaches for a few months! Hope you have a good week.