How Do We Get There From Here?

Hubby and I, for the past few weeks, have been discussing some major milestones in our life as a couple. We are trying to decide two key issues: 1) When to move out of our current home and build our "lifetime" home; and 2) When to think about trying for munchkin #2. It hasn't been the smoothest or most pleasant of conversations since we appear to be of two different minds. I want to do both relatively soon in order to get settled, put down roots, and start our lives as a full family. Hubby wants to wait on both in order to give us some time to get used to both ideas and to prepare financially for them. Hubby also feels strongly that we should do one at a time (i.e. either have baby, then build and move, or move and then have baby). He doesn't want us to take on too much at once. The problem is, that is the way of our people - its what we do.

What do I mean by that? Let me give some examples. We got engaged, and then told we were being transferred from Iowa to Memphis, TN all within 12 hours. We got married and moved back from Memphis to Iowa in one weekend. We got pregnant and got a puppy the same weekend. We delivered our first child and while I was out on maternity leave, I interviewed for and accepted a new job. Change is who we are. Its what we do. Its part of being a young family. I am struggling to understand why now, its suddenly time to slow down.

Now before you think me too impetuous, let me assure you that while being financially stable is an admirable goal (and one we BOTH subscribe to) we have crunched numbers from here to kingdom come and, with some minor sacrifices for the short term, can definitely afford to move forward with our dream home now. We will not be putting ourselves at any great risk barring, God forbid, the death or loss of a job by one of us. And of course, in either of those circumstances we'd be in a world of hurt even in our current situation. That's just a low-end calculated risk you take as a family.

My thoughts are simple: 1) I'm not getting any younger. I want to have my second child before I am considered significantly "high risk" for pregnancy. I also want to be done changing diapers by the time I'm 40. I'd like to get daycare out of the way as soon as possible, financially. I'd like my kids to be close enough in age to actually like each other. 2) I'd like to be settled in a new home before having our second child. I do not want to move with a newborn. Having a newborn is hard enough and trying to get a newborn and a toddler adapted to new surroundings (not to mention trying to get a nursery ready with the baby already here) is not something I'm excited to take on.

While I can appreciate my husband's desire not to have to endure building a house (already a stressful event) with a hormonal whale of a wife who will not be much help lifting heavy objects, I think that the better alternative to building a house with a SUPER hormonal, new mommy, leaky, worn out, wife.

So where do we go from here? The age old pillar of marriage - concession and compromise. One thing Hubby and I are good at is talking things through and finding middle ground. I will say this has been one of our harder ones to master. In fact, its not mastered yet. But since neither of us can make this decision unilaterally (at least without risking jail time) we have no choice. We will get there. How and when we'll get there is still a little murky but I have to trust that we will get there. While I'd like to put this issue to bed in order to move forward knowing the game plan, I have to appreciate that some decisions cannot be made in a week's time. Loving my husband means respecting his feelings and wishes - not just in easy times like football season or furniture shopping - but in the hard times too. It means respecting his feelings even if mine are just as strong in the opposite direction on one of the most important things we could choose to discuss. It means remembering I married a person, not a subordinate. Who knows where we will end up, when we will end up there, and how many of "us" there will be when we do. But hopefully by the time we get where we're going, we'll both understand its the right place at the right time.