Public Dumpsite

Almost as long as I can remember I’ve hated pooping in public. Ever since third grade during our bathroom break when Juanita Harris announced “listen everyone, Kristi is going dooky”. I did not grow up with the “Everybody Poops” book. So, now anytime I have to go at a store, at a restaurant, or – the worst – at work, I cringe. Some people have a “shy bladder” and cannot pee in public. Well I apparently have a shy colon.

Here is my best “public pooping” tip. I call it the “pillow” effect. When you first are seated, take some toilet paper – enough to wrap around your hand a few times – and drop it on top of the water under your bum. Then, when you go, instead of hearing “plop” and being splashed with yuck water, the toilet paper gently cushions the incoming poo in silence. No one is the wiser.

After being subjected to my own personal hell twice at work today however and having it made worse by inconsiderate bathroom goers, allow me to please publish a list of my top five points of bathroom etiquette for those who are ill-informed:

1) First and foremost is the empty stall rule. Meaning, unless the bathroom is at capacity, you ALWAYS leave an empty stall between yourself and whomever is already going about their business. Nothing irks me more than having 5 other stalls open, and someone nestles up in the stall right next to you. Creepy.

2) The bathroom is for one purpose only. Do not hang around after washing your hands to reapply makeup, brush your hair, or gossip with a friend. Do your business and get on your merry little way.

3) For the sweet love of all that is holy, do NOT carry on a conversation on your cell phone in the bathroom. Even if – for some unknown reason – the person to whom you are talking doesn’t mind that you and others are in the process of eliminating bodily waste – I do! I don’t need to hear half a conversation and wonder if the other half can hear *me*.

4) Even if you recognize my shoes – no talking. I am not a captive audience, and I do not want to have a political discussion while I am in my private cubicle of sanctity. Not to mention I don’t need my presence announced to the masses (thank you very much Juanita).

5) If I was there first, and if you have the same “shy colon” issues I do… sorry honey. First in time, first in right. Come back later. Do not sit and tap your feet, clear your throat, twirl the paper roll or partake of any other attempt to get me to speed up my business so that you can undertake yours. It will have quite the opposite effect.

So hopefully this will help those less fortunate than myself. And by that I mean those who are ever around me when nature calls.

Weight Watcher's Weigh In - Week Two

Ok so today was week two. Lets get right to it. I lost 3lbs this week. (ok ok 2.8 but I had to pee really bad when I stepped on the scale so I'm sure there was at least 4oz of pee in there). So I am now at a total of 5lbs lost. I feel pretty good about it - steady loss is good loss. Of course the lady in front of me lost 4.8 but I keep telling myself that people putting up big numbers probably have a little farther to go than I do (hey, its what I tell myself - let me have it).

Considering my intake Friday night I'm feeling pretty good. Let me just briefly recap what I had at the comedy club (and thereafter): 2 cheeseburgers, 2 giant soft pretzels with queso dip, 3 pork potstickers, 3 glasses of white wine and a mixed drink. Yeah. I shoud've exploded sometime after the pretzels. But considering my weight loss, I am feeling more confident than ever in WW. I can't believe how NOT hungry I feel all the time. I had mint chocolate chip ice cream last night for cripes sake. This is a good thing.

The only downer I encountered was last night when I logged on, intending to go walk on my treadmill for half an hour, I quickly put in my stats to see how many "points" I would earn back by exercising. Walking on a treadmill at 3-5mph (which is a pretty brisk clip if you ask me) gets you one lousy, measly little point back. Quite honestly most nights I don't even use all my daily points. So what's the motivation?? Working out has always, always been my biggest hurdle to real weight loss. I just hate it. So to have it be so demotivating was a bummer. Gonna have to think hard how to mentally get around it. But all in all I'm moving in the right direction (just not at 3-5 mph for 30 mins).

Trumpets Shall Sound and Bells Shall Ring

This morning is a glorious morning. Even the two inches of snow that impeded my morning drive looked bright and fluffy as I sat in traffic. My eyes are bright and I’m sure if I had a tail it would be bushy.

Without further adieu, let me just get to the point: last night, for the first time in 13 months, I slept through the night! Yes, *I* did - not Coco. I did not have to get up to put the paci back in, I did not wake up to check the baby monitor, I did not wake up to check the baby, I did not wake up to clean up dog vomit, I did not even wake up to pee. I went to bed exhausted at 9:30 last night and apart from a vague, dream-like recollection of hubby getting up for Coco at around 1:30am, I was OUT! I didn’t even know what to do with myself when my alarm went off this morning. I was already awake about 10 mins before and starting unbelievingly at the clock.

You see, hubby and I split each night into "shifts". He gets the 10-2 shift, and I get the 2-6 shift. Two nights ago, hubby was pooped and so I pulled a double shift (mainly because I couldn't wake his tired butt up at 11:30 when Coco wanted her paci). Last night Coco was silent after 1:30 and my subconscious finally accepted the fact that maybe, just maybe, she was sleeping peacefully and not befalling some horrible fate.

I have not pulled this off since my second trimester of pregnancy. I was truly, truly starting to wonder if I would ever sleep through the night again. Glory be, my prayers were answered. On top of that, its Valentine’s week, and today I get a haircut. Hey it’s the little things but on top of a full night’s sleep they look grand.

I’m sure tonight we’ll be back to the night waking either to plug little one back in, or to check and see why she hasn’t woken up wanting to be plugged back in. It’s a no-win neurotic catch-22. All I know is that somehow, last night I escaped it and that memory will hopefully get me through the next 13 months.

Love Fest

So it’s the week of Valentine’s day. In my not so distant past I would have referred to the 14^th as Black Thursday. No longer. This year I’m already looking forward to the big day. One of the many perks of having a “permanent boyfriend.” You see this will be the first Valentine’s day that we will really get to celebrate as a schmoopy couple. The first year we were dating (unbeknownst to me) Ryan was planning on proposing the following month and so kept things on V-day relatively low key. The year we were engaged we were alone in Memphis and trying to plan a wedding so again, low key. The first year we were married (last year) I was 6 months pregnant and not feeling particularly romantic (plus couldn’t partake of champagne or oysters). So, this year is our big hurrah – even with Coco in the mix.

I’m happy to say that hubby is on board this train and made dinner reservations at the new shi-shi restaurant in town back in late December! The plan is to put Coco down for the night around 6:30, change into the beautiful new dress hubby bought me at Christmas, turn the Coco show over to MeMe for the evening and hit the town by 7:30. I was even smart enough to take Friday off from work. Let the champagne flow! I got hubby a gift I think he’ll like, and as altruistic as it sounds I love giving gifts almost more than getting them so that’s one more thing to look forward to.

As a little V-day bonus, hubby will take Coco on in to daycare on Friday and mommy will get to 1) sleep in, and 2) have the whooooole day to herself in a quiet house to clean, straighten, launder and veg to her heart’s content. It will be a little I Love Me fest. So, Black Thursday be banished – this year I’m planning on something red hot!

The Dreaded Event

My mother-in-law came to visit this weekend (that is NOT to what the title refers). She was kind enough to watch Coco for us for us Friday evening so we could go out with a group of friends to a local comedy club and then for drinks. While in the large megalopolis of our city (sense sarcasm here) she also planned on doing some shopping.

Saturday morning as we were sitting on my couch chatting (she also happens to be in the insurance industry so its always interesting to talk with her) she mentioned she and her husband were heading to Hawaii next week on a company-sponsored trip (did I mention I miss my days in sales?). She then told me, with the sense of one being led to the executioner, what she was in town to shop for... swimwear. Oh I know that dread and pain.

I remember in high school and college - even law school really - I never understood why people would say they dreaded trying on swimsuits. Apart from trying to narrow down which one you looked cutest in, I saw no major issues. I honestly thought maybe people were just germ-phobes who didn't want to try on bits of fabric that had been way to close to strangers. Ahh naivety I hardly knew ye. Ok actually I knew ye well. Anyhoo... it reminded me that if hubby, Coco and I are going to take a warm-weather family vacation I am going to have to undergo the same torture.

The question now becomes do I pull the bandaid off now while there is still a veritable cornucopia of suits from which to choose, but endure the harsh glare of dressing room lights on "hail damage"... or do I wait until a couple more months into WWatchers and pray I can still find something adorable but avoid the "ok I'm never eating again" afternoon I may otherwise have? I just don't know yet. I'm leaning toward waiting. You know how any outfit can look cute on you if your hair and makeup are having a good day? I'm hoping that means that I could rock an "ok" suit as long as my body didn't look like I was trying to pull a spandex tarp over a mound of pebbles. Here's hopin.....