Public Dumpsite

Almost as long as I can remember I’ve hated pooping in public. Ever since third grade during our bathroom break when Juanita Harris announced “listen everyone, Kristi is going dooky”. I did not grow up with the “Everybody Poops” book. So, now anytime I have to go at a store, at a restaurant, or – the worst – at work, I cringe. Some people have a “shy bladder” and cannot pee in public. Well I apparently have a shy colon.

Here is my best “public pooping” tip. I call it the “pillow” effect. When you first are seated, take some toilet paper – enough to wrap around your hand a few times – and drop it on top of the water under your bum. Then, when you go, instead of hearing “plop” and being splashed with yuck water, the toilet paper gently cushions the incoming poo in silence. No one is the wiser.

After being subjected to my own personal hell twice at work today however and having it made worse by inconsiderate bathroom goers, allow me to please publish a list of my top five points of bathroom etiquette for those who are ill-informed:

1) First and foremost is the empty stall rule. Meaning, unless the bathroom is at capacity, you ALWAYS leave an empty stall between yourself and whomever is already going about their business. Nothing irks me more than having 5 other stalls open, and someone nestles up in the stall right next to you. Creepy.

2) The bathroom is for one purpose only. Do not hang around after washing your hands to reapply makeup, brush your hair, or gossip with a friend. Do your business and get on your merry little way.

3) For the sweet love of all that is holy, do NOT carry on a conversation on your cell phone in the bathroom. Even if – for some unknown reason – the person to whom you are talking doesn’t mind that you and others are in the process of eliminating bodily waste – I do! I don’t need to hear half a conversation and wonder if the other half can hear *me*.

4) Even if you recognize my shoes – no talking. I am not a captive audience, and I do not want to have a political discussion while I am in my private cubicle of sanctity. Not to mention I don’t need my presence announced to the masses (thank you very much Juanita).

5) If I was there first, and if you have the same “shy colon” issues I do… sorry honey. First in time, first in right. Come back later. Do not sit and tap your feet, clear your throat, twirl the paper roll or partake of any other attempt to get me to speed up my business so that you can undertake yours. It will have quite the opposite effect.

So hopefully this will help those less fortunate than myself. And by that I mean those who are ever around me when nature calls.